Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge (Review)

With the anticipation I had for Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge, I'm very disappointed in how long it took me to finally watch it. However, I'm finding it hard to decide how I feel about the sequel as I've seen the original enough times to quote it and have developed it from an 'impressive porn' to a tale of female sexual discovery that nearly matches The Blue Lagoon. Needless to say, I'm being harsh on the sequel.

From the beginning, Pirates II promises to go above and beyond its predecessor. The teaser trailer featured more impressive graphics than the first, and the film's visual quality is up there with the best straight to video horror films blockbuster pulls out just in time for Halloween. However, I feel some of these graphics are direct rips from the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy. I realize this is an homage to the Hollywood blockbusters, but when you see a ghost ship popping out of the water, you really do wonder if they just sourced the DVD. A similar reaction occurred during the scenes with the giant worms, expect Dune wasn't nearly this high tech, so I'm pretty sure these are original graphics.

Special effects aside, Stagnetti's Revenge really builds upon the high standards the first one set. I enjoyed creating a "12 Days of Christmas" song as I counted the threesomes, real boobs, and of the course the "5 hairy va-jay-jays" featured prominently. It needs to be noted, that Pirates II has diversified by having two Brunettes, 2 Asian female leads, and roughly 7 real sets of breasts. Not to mention a crazy Armenian obsessed with gold, a homoerotic Governor (Ben English--who I originally assumed was faking his English accent), and a near male rape scene between Jules (Jesse Jane) and Edward (Evan Stone). Compared to the boring blonde-performers-with-mas

sive-and-obviously-fake-tits of the original porn, its quite refreshing to see a least a hint of the traditional in what is a 'straigh male porn.' DP is really trying to attract everyone!

Sadly, gone is my personal favorite Serena (Janine Lindemulder), who is replaced by her sister Olivia (played by Belladonna). However, Joone makes it up to me by providing Steven St. Croix (Marco) with more scenes to showcase his various 'talents' and great lines such as "I don't need you to love me, because I love myself." Who knew a porn would give actual relationship advice? Well, other than Bend Over Boyfriend of course. Now, while I do love me some Steven St. Croix acting, I think his final threesome involving Jules and Ai (Shay Jordan) expresses all the problems with this porn.

First, I don't want to necessarily point fingers, but Joey Pulgadas really let me down this time. As editor for both Pirates, I don't know what happened, but he seems to have forgotten anything he knew about continuity editing. I know this is just porn and you can't hold it to the same standards you would a Hollywood film, but when a woman is riding a man with her back to the camera then suddently is in the same position but facing the camera you're going to get screams of "wow! That woman has a hairy butt." Jump cuts like that just don't work in porn. Similarly, I know the majority of the audience doesn't need to see the foreplay, but it is distracting when they cut about 10-15 minutes and people are suddenly naked (except for the socks, Mr. Governor). Also, is it too much to ask for you to show the various sexual positions for a bit longer than a speedy cut a la Baz Luhrmann's Moulin Rouge? Apparently.

Second, I could see why men find Jesse Jane attractive to watch, but I hope they watch her with the sound off. Her sex scenes are painful as she's always so angry and attacks her partners like she's a zombie feeding off of them (and this isn't an exageration, nor is it erotic) and she's obnoxiously loud! Anyone who's seen one of her movies knows she spasms and cries like a cat being skinned alive, and some people do get off on this, but do you need two painful screamers in one threesome? Shay Jordan is just as bad and the two women combined is just nuts (although you gotta love when Jordan proclaims "Ai come!"). I nearly had to turn the sound off during their threesome with St. Croix, but I (and my viewing partner) toughed it out, but this leads me to another major issue with this porn: gagging. If you are gagging while trying to deep throat, you probably shouldn't be doing it. Yes, yes, two girls-one cup proves that people do find vomiting arrousing, but she never actually spews on the penis so do we really need the excessive gagging sounds? I was afraid someone was going to have to perform the heimlich in order to extract St. Croix's penis! Is this just another way DP is trying to diversify their films, by utilizing a variety of fetishes? Personally, I find gagging a sign that you can't deep throat and kind of defeats the purpose and shames the 70s class as Linda showed no signs of a gag reflex.

Overall, I think its a great porn, but the first is far surperior. However, I have extremely high hopes for the next in the series, and there better be one or I'll personally find Joone and slap him upside the head for dangling a sister in distress and an all-female pirate ship in front of me. Oh, but leave out the vagina spankings. It's getting a bit excessive.

Click for review of the first Pirates.

"What do I get out of this?" or "orgy of spending"

I'm watching the debates right now and I have a few things to say...

1) BBC.co.uk shows the debates live but only in the UK, mydebates.org, a branch of myspace is showing all the debates as well.

2) "Orgy of spending" in reference to Bush's economics, which got us into the current cluster fuck, is perhaps my new favorite phrase. It might be up there with "You forgot Poland" and "The only Bush I trust is my own" for amazing political phrases. Though the Polish phrase is amazing because it's hilarious that he even said it, I think "orgy of spending" is a great description of the past 8 years or so and I just like that Obama said orgy in the debates.

3) What do I get out of all this? Honestly, I would love to hear both candidates sit down with a family from the lower/middle class and tell them EXACTLY what they would get out of both of their plans. They speak in ideas and abstracts, but I wonder what would happen if they set down with me and told me what would benefit me, a Grad student with no health care, no job (yay credit crunch), and loans my grandchildren will be paying.

4) McCain says "we're not going back to the cold war." To be honest, I'm not sure we ever really left it. Yeah, we didn't fear the Soviet Union would try to nuke us, but we've replaced that fear with terrorism. We are a nation of fear, it doesn't matter what the 'evil opposition' looks like it's still the same underneath it all.

5) You know, I've been joking about running whorehouses in order to raise money if there was ever another Great Depression... it's a bit disturbing that it might actually be a possibility.

Update

Lately, I've been trying to work on my dissertation and having some major issues with feeling like it'll never get done. But I know it will.

Of course one of the major distractions from this is the biggest and best news I've had in over a year... drum roll please!

no more blood clot!!!!

That's right kids, the CT scan came back and I'm in the clear. Sadly, most celebrating has been put on hold until the 15th.

Olympic Opening Ceremony

The Olympics start today and I've been watching the opening ceremony. Regardless of the human rights and international issues of the Olympics being in China, the opening ceremony is pretty damn cool. They've been doing short sample performances of various parts of Chinese culture. They had some puppets and Chinese opera music and what not. It's quite fascinating, but I have an issue with the "oh the Chinese are so precise... they're all about precision. They're so good at being precise" comments I'm getting from the BBC one commentators. Just comes across as one dimensional, slightly racist, and overall that they don't really much appreciation for Chinese traditional arts. From what I remember nearly every country does some mass precision performance at the opening or closing but whatever, it's apparently more fascinating when it's the Chinese.

On the other hand, the part where they progress through the various dynasties and "32 pillars reach towards the heavens" has hundreds of "serene women" walking along in these gorgeous gowns and I have to say I want one of those gowns. They're seriously amazing and beautiful. Full, floor length ball gowns basically, in pink and red and blue. Just gorgeous.

Some other highlights, 2,008 tai chi performers while children paint and recite poetry about nature (and the commentators point out how polluted China is), space men on wires fly around while a giant globe rises from the ground with people running around and doing acrobatics on wires "seemingly defying gravity," and Sarah Brightman with some guy (who's name I didn't catch) sing.

We've officially gone from being cool to being cheesy with Brightman singing while people hold giant pictures of various childrens' faces. All we need is Josh Groban to duet with Whitney Houston on "I believe the children are the future" and it would be the cheesiest Olympics ever.

Anyway, I think it's now about time for the marching and I'm losing interest. Judith Butler is calling. I'm outie, but everyone should check out the opening ceremony.

A Scottish 4th of July

The 4th of July is one of my favorite holidays. Primarily because it means drinking cocktails by the pool and chillin' with the fam. Well being as I'm spending this summer in Scotland, supposedly writing a dissertation, I had to do my own 4th of July celebration. A few friends came by my place, I had a barbecue, water guns, beer, and a near by park to help make this an awesome day.

Well, while it was fun and entertaining, there was one mishap that nearly ruined it.

In the park, my friends and I were sitting around, shooting pigeons with our water guns and overall just goofing around, when suddenly a few of us noticed a man grabbing his crotch near by. We assumed he was peeing at first, and though a bit odd that he didn't try to fake any modesty, seeing as it was 6 in the afternoon, still very bright, with a couple eating at a picnic table and a family playing ball near by, we didn't think too much of it. That is until he undid his belt, unzipped his pants and had a wank right there in the park! We reported him to a man who works in the park, but the guy had left by then. While quite humorous in some respects, the children near by kind of hindered the full comedic effect.

A bit disturbing but as I said, it would only happen to ME. Only when I try to celebrate an American holiday in Scotland does a man start masturbating in front of us. It truly is only "me" because after that we headed to another 4th of July party and while a cat did jump in through the window and refuse to leave, there were no flashers or perverts. Well unless you count my advertising for the Pirates II dvd release in September, there weren't any perverts.

Movies that fall short of the "expectations" surrounding them

I'm often over critical of films, especially those with a lot of hype around them. I also like to consider myself a feminist. For these reasons, I refuse to see Sex and the City: The Movie.

It's been the long awaited movie of the summer (thought my long awaited movie is Mamma Mia: The Movie Musical) and really, I could care less. I've never gotten into the show. I've tried. I really really have. When friends have wanted to watch it I've joined them. When there was nothing else on in the hotel except for reruns on HBO I watched it, I will admit, I even watched the first season on HBO in demand, so don't say I didn't try to get "into" the show. I put forth a lot of effort through the years.

However, I still don't like the show and I REALLY don't like the characters. From the get go I hated Charlotte. Her focus in life being predominately to get married and have children just made her boring and one dimensional. Supposedly, she's a successful at whatever she does at the art gallery (owns it maybe?), but really, I can't help but think of Mrs. Robinson from The Graduate, and not in the good way I like to think of her. At one point of the film, she's lying in bed talking to Benjamin (Dustin Hoffman) and he asks her what she studied at college. She studied Art History before she got knocked up and had a shot gun marriage. If I recall correctly, the young women in Mona Lisa Smile also study Art History, in their spare time when they are not getting married or waiting for a proposal. I'm sure there are other examples of this in many other films, but what does this equate to? Women who study Art History have few ambitions or alternatives other than the job of housewife and mother. I'm NOT saying this is true of present or past Art History students, but that at least in mainstream media a BA in Art History = BA in Housewifery. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here is that Charlotte, like many of her hollywood fore-mothers, is of course only interested in marriage and babies to the point that it makes her a caricature, boring, and a cliche. Hence, why I never liked her to begin with. I realize she's supposed to be annoying and whiny, but what does it say about society when women go "oh i'm such a charlotte!" Really, is this the equality we've been looking for?

The one I hate only slightly less than Charlotte would be Carrie. I think she is the reason I never got into the show. You really should like the main character. Well, I don't. I find her neurosis annoying as well. I find her to be a more flamboyant package of Ally McBeal. She allows for this man to continuously love her and leave her. Even when he's married he still messes with her head. I realize that partly why so many women love this character is they too have an unattainable guy in their life that they just can't seem to get over. I mean, who hasn't? I know have, but I'm only 22. Most teenagers and women in their 20s do at some point, but I would hope that a woman nearly twice my age would be more sure of herself and have greater self esteem. Apparently not, apparently we never get over that one guy. But the thing is, must like in When Harry Met Sally, this isn't based in reality! You don't end up with your "Big," your "Big" ends up with someone else. Someone who isn't neurotic. Someone who does let me walk all over you emotionally. Sorry girls, but it's true. The real world does not function the same way High School or College romances do. I think this is why I really hate Carrie, perhaps even more than Charlotte who I try to just ignore, is that women can "identify" with her, but what does that say about us? That we are also neurotic women pining over men we can't have, allowing men to treat us like trash, and throwing away the stable, loving ones who just aren't as exciting. Well, that excitement is actually the fear and possibility that he will up and leave you for someone who isn't as neurotic or stupidly obsessed with him.

Moving right along. When I first watched it I enjoyed Samantha a lot. She was probably my favorite, maybe because I'm loud and don't care what people think. I'm definitely the one at the luncheon table who will shout "cock," "pussy," "fuck," et all and wonder why everyone else is blushing. I was always the "Samantha" in the group. But while some people find Samantha to be the "sexually liberated feminist" of the group, she's really not. Her character and story lines, like the other female characters, is based on, and dependent upon, men. She gets the laughs and outrageous moments, but only because of her constant craving for a "phallus" (should I get all freudian on you? I'll pass that for now). You will have to set aside the season where she was in a lesbian relationship, but when you think about it, it really follows a similar pattern as her sexual romps with men. However, the point is she is just as dependent upon men as Charlotte is for meaning, and Carrie is for neurosis.

Looking back on the show, the one character I truly like is Miranda. Perhaps she's the most realistic of them all. Sure she is also looking for love and dating, but she's often forgotten, shoved under the rug, "closested" if you will. The first few seasons, the stylists for the show made Miranda look like the biggest cliche of a lesbian ever. They desexualized her through her hair, make up, and wardrobe. However, while the least glamorous, she's one of the most truthful characters ever featured on the show. She has a love hate relationship with men, she decides she doesn't need a man for her to keep her child (see Knocked Up) and while she does eventually get with Steve, it's not because she feels she HAS to get married or have a man, it's because she wants to and loves him. I might also be biased based on the episode where she gets upset that Steve (i think it was Steve) wants to cuddle and falls asleep on her pillow. Honestly, I can share blankets, I can share bed (I have two younger sisters I had to share hotel beds with on vacations so I'm used to that), but give me my damn pillows or I'll shove you off the bed.

To wrap this up, I refuse to see the movie. I really do. I don't think they needed to make a movie out of it, I think the series was more than enough, and if they make a sequel I may have to kick someone. I'm not saying everyone should avoid this movie (as it's impossible since most my friends already have), but I will not see it in the movie theaters. Perhaps, later, on a plane, or at a friends I could be convinced to see it (see 27 Dresses), but until it's free for me don't even bother. And even then, be prepared for a struggle.

Piece of advcie for high school graduation speakers...

No one will remember anything you say. Honestly. Please don't try to come up with something your peers will remember, because a year later most will hardly remember you were even a speaker.

Don't try to impart wisdom on your fellow students. You're all 17-19 years old. You don't know anything about life at this moment. You've never lived on your own and you know what? You're all reaching that point together, so you can't give any better advice than the next person. So please, do me a favor and don't try to give advice about the future. No one knows anything about the future, we can only relate to the past, so please...

Just talk about your time there, what you did, what your friends did, if it was fun, if it wasn't. Talk about your plans for the fall, tell them that in four years they can check up with you and see what you're really doing. If you're following your dream or plan, or if you've completely changed.

Don't plan your life out either! Don't make your future rigid and set in stone. Enjoy the curve balls life will give. You might not end up with the career you think you want, you might not end up with the major you're interested in.

Just talk about your time there, that you're ready for the next step and you're excited for it.

But honestly, no one will remember your speech.

27 Dresses

I'm currently stateside as of last Friday thanks to a wedding and a graduation only a week apart. In honor of the wedding, and the 9 hour flight from Amsterdam to Minneapolis I decided to watch 27 Dresses.

Let me start by saying I refuse to see Knocked Up. I don't have anything against anyone involved with the film (except for Heigel but more on that later) but the whole idea of the film just offended me. This woman, with a blossoming career, sleeps with a stoner (and not a productive stoner as that is possible but a loser stoner), winds up pregnant, and decides to try to have a relationship with this man-child. When the local KC radio DJs are bitching about how stupid this woman is, you really have to take note. It's one thing to decide to let the man be involved with his spawn. That's fine. But to force yourself into a relationship because of old ideals that every child has to have a mother and father together is just silly. Why can't a woman raise a child on her own? That's one of the few parts I actually liked in Juno, that Jennifer Gardner's character decided she didn't need her husband to raise the child--that she could do it herself.

Anyway, loser guys getting awesome chicks just annoys me (see Superbad as well). The next thing is Katherine Heigel saying AFTER the movie is a big hit that "yeah it's kind of sexist" (not a direct quote there) and that the portrayal of her character is horrible etc when only a few months before she was saying how AWESOME the movie was and how great the characters, script, etc were. It wasn't until people said it was setting women back 5 decades that she changed her mind. I'm NOT a fan of hypocrites. Especially those who cave to peer pressure so easily.

So come this spring, 27 Dresses comes out and I boycott it as well. It looks just as horrible: a woman in love with her boss who falls for her younger sister, yet James Marsden comes in and finally wins her over. Boring, predictable clichés + Katherine Heigel, who was still on my shit list from Knocked Up = another boycott.

I was doing a great job until the 9 hour plane ride. I had a choice of a bunch of movies, I watched The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (I'll talk about this more later), The Emperor's New Groove, and was starting Juno when I decided I really didn't want to see it again. It's not a bad movie, but one viewing of an overly zealous hipster film was enough for me. So I decided to put on 27 dresses and if I fell asleep kudos to me! Well, I didn't fall asleep, instead I watched the whole thing, and it was worse than I thought!

I love weddings, I really do, I love being in them, I love getting dressed up, I love dancing, I love champagne. I can understand why a woman would want to be in 27 weddings. I already have been involved as a bridesmaid three times, a flower girl once, in charge of the guest book once and been invited to plenty others. I'm all for that, but this woman devotes her every waking minute to it. A bit pathetic and not only that, but she keeps clippings from the wedding section of the newspaper. Whatever, to each their own, but the fact that she lives through other people's weddings while pining over her boss is just down right sad and archaic. All this woman thinks about is her dream wedding and that her life won't be complete until then, yet she's passively waiting for the man to get the ball rolling. I mean, if you love weddings and want them to be so awesome why don't you become a wedding planner? At least make a career out of it instead of a hobby.

On top of this, her actual "friends" consist of her alcoholic, slutty co-worker, the goth office secretary, and her sister who lies about everything from her love to animals and vegetarianism to the fact that she hires his "little brother" to be her maid. Supposedly, these 27 married women are her friends too, but does she ever actually interact with them? No. Okay, the movie starts with her attending two weddings on the same evening at the same time so she does talk to those women briefly in the opening sequence, but after that we don't see any of these women until her wedding at the end (OH COME ON!!! You KNEW she had to get hitched at the end).

Back to my point, all the women in this film are disgusting. Either they lie and hide their real selves in order to secure a man, they'll drunkenly sleep with anyone, or they are obsessed with planning their perfect wedding even when she doesn't have a significant other in her life. Wow, so realistic all of them! What are we in the 1950s?

If the women in the film weren't bad enough, let me point out how nearly every single scene is a rip off of other movies. For example, the "Benny and the Jets" bar scene reminds me of Runaway Bride when Richard Gere and Julia Roberts begin to fall in love and they're in a bar and then hopping over wood fences or whatever. Anyway, it's fun playing what-movie-is-this-scene-from? Honestly, makes the overall film see a bit more surprising.

I can't even try to rate anything this unoriginal. I would say maybe a D+ if we were going by that rating system. There are a few funny moments, the horrible bridesmaid dresses are pretty awesome, and James Marsden is just too damn cute in everything with a gorgeous singing voice to boot that makes up for his predictable character.

Overall, I think Katherine Heigel should really stick to the small screen. At least on Grey's she has some balls and an interesting character. I've enjoyed her since the Disney Channel Original Movie (DCOM for those in the know) Wish Upon a Star and honestly would love to see her in more movies, but I just wish she would find scripts that weren't written 40 years ago!

a mental mind fuck can be nice

It's been awhile since my last post on here, but this is the first thing I've really felt like blogging about.

Britney Spears, her father, and Mel Gibson are vacationing together at Mel's Costa Rican home.

SAY WHAT?

For those who don't really know me, I used to be a big fan of Mel's films. Like crazy fanatic. Fo shiz. I've seen every movie of his at least once, except for Apocalypto. After Passion of the Christ I kind of lost interest, and after his drunken neo-nazi rant I just gave up hope. The one thing the man is a genius for is having his own production company: Icon. No matter what he is loaded enough to produce his own works for the rest of his life. Good idea since it doesn't seem many others want to work with him. The best part of his drunk driving incident was the fact that he said he had to knock a few back that morning before telling his kids he was arrested for driving DRUNK. How much more ridiculous can a man get?

Apparently much, much more.

We all know of Britney's meltdown that's lasted how many years now? I think we're going on four years... wasn't it 2004 when she married K.Fed? Anyway, the point is both of these celebrities have had some major public meltdowns. Some more offensive (Mel), some more dramatic (Britney's hair, britney's umbrella attack, britney's holding her kids hostage, et all) and the idea of putting them together is causing my mind to melt.

I don't know what's going on, I would assume a good catholic such as Mel wouldn't be getting jiggy with a girl roughly his children's ages but that hasn't stopped powerful men (or those lacking any power) from doing it before. I would also hope that they wouldn't be gettin' jiggy with her father there, but who knows perhaps they'll all join in.

I'm assuming that Mel in a true Christian fashion is trying to help the poor little lost Britney get her life back together. Recently, he and his wife have been "counseling" her and he helped put Robert Downey, Jr back into rehab in the 90s (of course we all know how that sobriety didn't last long) and even bought him a motorcycle to celebrate one of the times he got out. However, does the idea of Mel who's had a pretty big emotional break down of sorts helping Britney with her pretty big emotional break down of sorts sound just a bit whack?

There is no word whether or not Mel's family is joining them, just that her kids aren't allowed out of the country but no one knows if they're with her or not. I would assume Mel and Jamie Spears would be smart enough to not bring the babies with them.

My mind has officially exploded with the idea of these two helping one another let alone vacationing together.

American Idle

One great thing that came out of the writer's strike is free credit on iTunes. Because the few shows I subscribe to (Bones and How I Met Your Mother) will be shorter due to the strike and itunes is giving me free tv show downloads to make up for it. Let's just say I went a little over board. I decided to try out some of the "new" shows out there like Samantha Who. I also downloaded a True Life where are they now episode and Engaged and Underage. Oh yes, I love me some silly MTV shows like that. What can I say. Sometimes watching someone else screw up their life just makes you feel so much better.

Anyway, for those reading this, I have some new albums on facebook from the Rugby trip to Hungary, my friends visiting from Spain, and various Karaoke experiences. Let's just say I've now done karaoke in Sweden, Scotland, Spain, the States and Hungary. Yes, I'm making the rounds. Next up Japan.

But seriously, I do love me some karaoke and luckily so does the team. Otherwise, we wouldn't haven't run everyone out of our favorite bar in Budapest and keep the KJ playing songs for 2 hours just for us to ALL sing a long to. Yeah, there was no audience except for the staff and I'm sure they were LOVING us by 3:30 in the morning. Also, lucky for me the exchange/international society kids seem to love it too and I'm becoming an expert at "Like a Virgin" and all things Britney Spears.

Film Festival Revisited

I decided I should make a quick comment about the various films I saw at the festival. Obviously, I was unable to view many of them, but here goes.

Margot at the Wedding
Mathaharis
Jezebel - A classic and pretty good, definitely a Gone with the Wind rip off, but I liked this character much better than Scarlett O'hara
Caramel - I liked how it presented the woman's stories and they're life; however, it went no where and there was very little conclusion. In fact only one woman's story really had an ending. It could have used another half hour effectively. I wonder if they just ran out of funding?
Diary of the Dead
My Blueberry Nights
The last Mistress
Teeth
XXY
You, the Living - this film was actually crazy and hilarious. It just showed vignettes of various people's lives. Reminded me of Waking Life but not animated. Very stylized however. Most characters were covered in a lighter foundation and it was very pea green with the sets. Very sparse. Very Swedish. Two Thumbs up. Loved it.
Thieves
Water Lillies - BORING! If you want to see a "coming of age" story of a teenage girl lusting over another more popular girl then just watch Fucking Åmal instead.
Priceless (Hors de Prix) - really funny. A classic romantic comedy. Reminded me of that Steve Martin/Michael Cain film that became a musical. Nothing to exciting, obviously predictable but still hilarious.
All About Eve - the wit in this film is amazing. No wonder it's a classic. Margo Channing is my new hero.
Whatever Happened to Baby Jane - I'm so glad I finally got to see this one! I loved it. So camp classic, the acting over done, the characters insane. It's now on my list of movies I should make drinking games for.
[REC]
ZOMBIE STRIPPERS - well, it was shown from a DVD. Obviously, it's straight to DVD. Jenna Jameson is the first Zombie Stripper and is scantily clad through out most of it. The film tries to comment on America, the war, Bush, society in general, but does it in a very obvious way that isn't really funny. However, the best part of the film was when the two Christians (one a stripper the other her boyfriend) are cowering in fear and the boyfriend is trying to convince his girlfriend they should lose they're virginity now. She says no so he offers options such as "I'll only put it in half way" then offers anal when half way is rejected. The most amazing line only because it's so true.

Upcoming excitment!

Last weekend I went down to London to visit Jen and see Insane in the Brain. It's a street dance ballet of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. If you have a chance to see it you must! I also got to visit with Taj for a bit and oh how I miss her. She's one of the few people from the theater department I truly miss. Also, the National East Coast Express or whatever provides a beautiful picturesque train ride through Scotland and England. My favorite part was seeing the ocean and snow in the same ride. Very beautiful.

Anyway, I have one week of classes and then I'm off for Easter Holiday/Spring Break. I'm super excited for two weeks off. I'm going to Hungary with the rugby team for a game, then my friend studying in Spain is visiting, then I'm off to Manchester to visit Christina and spend Easter with her. I believe our Easter will include dying eggs, eating candy/chocolate, and watching Slings and Arrows. Let me tell you. I absolutely LOVE this show. It's about a Canadian theater festival putting on various Shakespearean plays. It's really amazing and everyone should watch it. It's inspirational. Makes me want to do theater again.

What is it about the theater that I try to leave then get sucked back in...

The other amazing part of this Easter holiday is that I have two classes after it and I'm done with the "school" part of my program. Pretty exciting! As I'm sure I've mentioned, I only have two classes a week to begin with. Well the Czech film class is over because the professor went back to the home country for 4 weeks. REALLY? Who does that? Just leaves in the middle of term? Not really too upsetting though because that just frees up that Friday 3-6 PM time slot that was truly annoying. Now I have next Tuesday 4-5:30 then the first two Tuesdays of April and I'm done!

Glasgow Film Fest and "the diving-bell and the butterfly"

So, I've been working the Glasgow Film Fest, and last night I got to work the VIP bar which included Andy Serkis, AKA King Kong AKA Gollum, I only spoke to him briefly, but I served him champagne and water, and got his autograph for my sister and my friend (who was there but decided he was too awkward to ask for it but then I introduced him anyway).

Everyone should go see the cottage. He's in it. he was promoting it, we had the world premiere last night (GO GFF!!!) and unfortunately, I didn't get to see it (though I've heard its amazing with some really sick humor in it including ripping someone's spinal column out!) but I did see Zombie Strippers.

It was a fun crazy week but amazing.

PS everyone should read the diving-bell and the butterfly. I feel so thankful that I didn't suffer a massive stroke or locked-in syndrome, but it's definitely a mind fuck for me. My experiences with my stroke were much more mild, but none the less scary, and though it's scary and exciting to identify with this man, it's perhaps the only book to affect me in a mix of depression, sadness, and joy.

For those who don't know the book (or the movie), Jean-Dominique Bauby was editor in chief of French Elle when he suffered a massive stroke, fell into a coma, and woke up with "locked-in syndrome" meaning his brain is intact, but unable to move, eat, breath, or speak on his own. They created a special system of blinking his left eye so he could communicate and "dictate" this book.

As I said, I'm thankful I suffered an extremely mild stroke, but I'm an emotional masochist. I wanted to read this book because I wanted to see how he described his stroke. It also took me two days to gather the courage to read those 5 pages. I wanted to know what his was like, and I want to see the movie for this same reason, though I've already insisted I must bring a friend with me because I still haven't watched the episode in House I was watching that night featuring a woman who has a stroke.

I find it depressing in some ways that a man with such limited communication can write about his experience so much more eloquently than I can. At one point he simply describes his face feeling like parchment as he received a massage. It wasn't because it was dry, but because of the mixed signals in his brain. Just that little bit made me cry, because that was the word I was searching for in the hospital: parchment. That's what my body felt like to my left hand. That this man could describe this sensation with blinking, better than I could just proves how amazing this book is.

There's a line in it that really stood out to me: "Henceforth my life is divided between those who knew me before and all the others." Though I might not appear any different, I am. I'm much more wary about my health, I worry more. I don't lock my door in case I have another one, though I worry that I won't be able to scream for help next time. I worry about being alone. I'm scared of flying, though I know with blood thinners I'm better off than most on the plane. I also carry a giant bag with me every where I go. This bag contains all my pills and my blood thinner book in case I'm rushed unconscious to the hospital they will know my dosage. I also make sure that even if my room is a mess, it's all pushed to the sides in case paramedics rush in again. My life is defined now as pre and post stroke just because that's what it is and it's weird knowing I'm different though others might not know it, and that I will probably divide things up like this for a long time to come.

Everyone should read it. I can't wait to see the movie, I hear it's beautiful. I plan on seeing it this week.

Claremot street

On my way back from the festival one night, i finally decided to take a pic because its like a little piece of college. Especially when it intersects with berkley.

The One Valentine's Day Thing I'll Do

Here is what my "love sign" or "venus sign" says about me.

Venus in Leo is a sure sign of someone who is larger than life, at least where love is concerned. Showy, gregarious, loyal and extravagant only begin to describe this fun-seeking individual. These folks love to be loved and are hard to miss in any social situation, having a knack as they do for lighting up a room. The one thing these souls crave is someone who can appreciate what they're all about and love them for it. In return, plenty of love will be given back! A tendency to put themselves out there" can put those with this placement in a precarious position: if a relationship doesn't work out, will their ego be shattered? Perhaps, but only until the next big event and an opportunity to shine yet again! As long as the vibes are good, these happy folks make for a partner whose lust for life is unmatched. Dancing the night away? Yes, it's on the dance card, along with romantic weekends, heartfelt sentiments and tender touches. A match with someone touched by Venus in Leo is likely to be filled with expression and acceptance and will no doubt be an endless party. Get those dancin' shoes ready!

and that is the end of this sappy crap.

Glasgow Film Festival

The Film Festival starts up next week. I'm getting excited, tho my schedule for the next few weeks is going to be super intense. I have marking research training on Monday, and a special screening of Cassandra's Dream on tuesday morning. It's the opening gala film (starring Ewan McGregor and Colin Farrel as cockney brothers) and Tuesday is the press screening I get into for free. Then the 14th it all starts up with Now Voyager at 1:30.

So far the list of films I want to see are the following:
Margot at the Wedding
Mathaharis
Jezebel
Caramel
Diary of the Dead (FUCK YEAH)
My Blueberry Nights
The last Mistress
Teeth
XXY (Argentinian film about a child raised female but now deciding what future sex to claim)
You, the Living (swedish, got very little else but that it's an ensemble piece)
Thieves
Water Lillies (french, could be used for dissertation)
Priceless (with Audrey Tautou as a gold digger--very much for my dissertation)
All About Eve
Whatever Happened to Baby Jane
[REC] (Spanish Horror film shot Blair witch style and the directors will be there)
and
ready for it?
the best?
ZOMBIE STRIPPERS.

HELL YEAH!

Okay, geek out over; however, I have a problem where I'm working during a lot of the films I want to see, but she said we'd probably get to see a lot of those screened during our shifts. Cross your fingers that I'll be able to see some of them.

Especially Zombie Strippers.

One of those days

Yesterday, was one of those days. Where I stressed and disappointed and home sick all at once. I started out the day finishing up my PhD application and the application for the ORSAS funding which usually goes to science applicants rather than arts, or so I've been told by people other than my professor who encouraged me to apply--so who knows.

I applied online for the PhD but I needed to take the ORSAS application into the office, so I hurried off to the office around 2, dropped it off, then headed to the bus stop to hitch a ride to the hospital for my check up. Well, the bus only takes exact change so my 10 quid didn't really work and I ended up taking the subway to Govan and catching a bus there; which was waiting at the stop when I got there. PERFECT, right?

Well alls well until I realise the hospital has 3 bus stops with in it. I get off at the wrong one and desperately look around for the Neurology building which I haven't been to since I was released from the acute stroke ward. I go into one building to ask about it, they point me in the right direction, and I carry on. Then it starts to hail. I've never been caught outside in the hail but that fucking sucked. I've also dealt with strong winds in Kansas, but I was nearly knocked over with the sheer force of the wind making my face sting. I had my gloves on and was desperately pulling my hat down and my scarf up. I go into the Neurosurgery/neuro whatever the fuck building, but oh yeah, it's not the right one. So I have to run in the hail across the street to the right building. Get there, forget the name of the doctor I'm supposed to be seeing, finally figure out where I'm going, sit down, and shiver to death. Seriously, I was soaked to the bone and freezing. It didn't help that the doctor kept his windows open because his "mind works better when it's chilly." So, I shiver in my wet jeans as he tells me he won't see me again till May, then he'll scan my brain, but he wants to keep me on the blood thinners for close to a year.

Great, exactly the opposite of what I wanted to hear. I say fuck it to the bus and subway and call a cab, where I try to fight back the tears of frustration. Get let out on my street, grab some food (I've been living off cereal because I'm being cheap) and finally come in, undress, jump under the covers and cry.

I really really don't want to be on these blood thinners for a year. I was told it would be 6 months to a year, but now the doctor is basically saying it'll be a year or more... oh wait maybe 11 months. If i'm lucky I'll be off it by my birthday.

There's a part of me that wants to blame Scotland, to say "if I had never come here this never would have happened." But I know that's not true. It would have happened any where, the bright side is once again I don't have to pay so it's better in a way to have had it here. I'm still depressed about it though. Yesterday I just wanted to go home so bad. I wanted to curl up with my dog and cat under some blankets and call it quits for awhile.

I reached my breaking point, but there's not much I can do about it now. Already signed over the loans to pay for this semester, and I would probably end up miserable no matter where I went because I would still be dealing with this blood clot and daily reminders of nearly dying.

It'll get better, I was just really hoping that doctor's appointment would go better. That he would have scanned me yesterday and giving me only a few more months on it instead of 9. Oh well, I know, it's better to have a year of this rather than the rest of my life, but still. I just want it to be over.

Burns night

The bagpipe band from a distance.

Party taxi

In the cab with the flashing lights and awesome 80s music!

Burns Night and other fun times in Glasvegas

The following is a rather lame post but I felt like I should write something, partially because I'm freaking out about this damn application and slept all day therefore up all night.

First, check up with the head docs on the 31st, cross your fingers that pesky blood clot is disappearing. My application for the PhD is also due that day so cross your fingers I got that figured out.

Now, January 25th was Burns Night. Robert Burns is the national poet and a BIG deal here in Scotland (he wrote Auld Lang Syne--the poem/lyrics not the music). On Burns Night everyone dresses to the nines and parties. There are ceilidhs, where men dress in kilts, there's highland dancing, bagpipes, and HAGGIS. Yes dear readers, I ate Haggis. My understanding is it's a mix of various parts of a sheep I don't want to think of, but includes the brains. Then it is spiced and cooked and actually not that bad. However, the really interesting thing about the Haggis is you must present it with a poem before serving. The arrival of the haggis is a MAJOR deal here, and obviously the poem is written by Burns.

The night before I went to a ceilidh held by the International and Postgraduate departments at the University. The traditional ceilidh band played songs and I relearned the Virginia Reel and Gay Gorden as well as many other traditional dances. Then a band of drums and bagpipes paraded around the hall and accompanied some highland dances. I have now decided I will join the highland dance club and learn them.

Saturday night, two friends and I hit the town, we discovered the red cabs feature loud music audible from blocks away and twinkling lights. Let's just say it's amazing. I have also found myself going to one club, Bamboo, multiple times this week for the hip hop and r&b they play on one of their dance floros. Let me tell you. I LOVE it. What I don't love are men who are about the height of my cleavage trying to hit on me. Now, I don't want to seem like a height bigot, and I realize this could be a man's wet dream, but if you don't even look above the cleavage while hitting on me it's gonna be a resounding no. Thanks for playing.

One of my "resolutions" for this semester is to discover more of Glasgow/Scotland. Hopefully, with the help of a few Badgers, I will hit up more clubs then Polo (the one gay club I've been to twice now), Bamboo (the hip hop/rnb club with slight sketchy men that I've been to twice), and the Hive (which I won't bother counting the times I've gone with the team). I will also try to do more cultural things, I did hit up the Kylie Minogue Fashion exhibit at the Kelvingrove Museum a couple of weeks ago, browsed a few of the rooms, and had lunch in its cafe yesterday (well priced and good) with a friend and bought some awesome postcards of amazing pictures. Let's just say "La mariage de convenance" is perhaps the greatest painting ever.

More to come once all these apps and supplements are in, and I promise to carry my camera with me, but unfortunately blogger won't let me add the few pictures I took so I'll just send some from my phone (how nifty!) and they'll be sideways and blurry but totally awesome. Also a belated post about London and the fun that goes on down there.