Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge (Review)

With the anticipation I had for Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge, I'm very disappointed in how long it took me to finally watch it. However, I'm finding it hard to decide how I feel about the sequel as I've seen the original enough times to quote it and have developed it from an 'impressive porn' to a tale of female sexual discovery that nearly matches The Blue Lagoon. Needless to say, I'm being harsh on the sequel.

From the beginning, Pirates II promises to go above and beyond its predecessor. The teaser trailer featured more impressive graphics than the first, and the film's visual quality is up there with the best straight to video horror films blockbuster pulls out just in time for Halloween. However, I feel some of these graphics are direct rips from the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy. I realize this is an homage to the Hollywood blockbusters, but when you see a ghost ship popping out of the water, you really do wonder if they just sourced the DVD. A similar reaction occurred during the scenes with the giant worms, expect Dune wasn't nearly this high tech, so I'm pretty sure these are original graphics.

Special effects aside, Stagnetti's Revenge really builds upon the high standards the first one set. I enjoyed creating a "12 Days of Christmas" song as I counted the threesomes, real boobs, and of the course the "5 hairy va-jay-jays" featured prominently. It needs to be noted, that Pirates II has diversified by having two Brunettes, 2 Asian female leads, and roughly 7 real sets of breasts. Not to mention a crazy Armenian obsessed with gold, a homoerotic Governor (Ben English--who I originally assumed was faking his English accent), and a near male rape scene between Jules (Jesse Jane) and Edward (Evan Stone). Compared to the boring blonde-performers-with-mas

sive-and-obviously-fake-tits of the original porn, its quite refreshing to see a least a hint of the traditional in what is a 'straigh male porn.' DP is really trying to attract everyone!

Sadly, gone is my personal favorite Serena (Janine Lindemulder), who is replaced by her sister Olivia (played by Belladonna). However, Joone makes it up to me by providing Steven St. Croix (Marco) with more scenes to showcase his various 'talents' and great lines such as "I don't need you to love me, because I love myself." Who knew a porn would give actual relationship advice? Well, other than Bend Over Boyfriend of course. Now, while I do love me some Steven St. Croix acting, I think his final threesome involving Jules and Ai (Shay Jordan) expresses all the problems with this porn.

First, I don't want to necessarily point fingers, but Joey Pulgadas really let me down this time. As editor for both Pirates, I don't know what happened, but he seems to have forgotten anything he knew about continuity editing. I know this is just porn and you can't hold it to the same standards you would a Hollywood film, but when a woman is riding a man with her back to the camera then suddently is in the same position but facing the camera you're going to get screams of "wow! That woman has a hairy butt." Jump cuts like that just don't work in porn. Similarly, I know the majority of the audience doesn't need to see the foreplay, but it is distracting when they cut about 10-15 minutes and people are suddenly naked (except for the socks, Mr. Governor). Also, is it too much to ask for you to show the various sexual positions for a bit longer than a speedy cut a la Baz Luhrmann's Moulin Rouge? Apparently.

Second, I could see why men find Jesse Jane attractive to watch, but I hope they watch her with the sound off. Her sex scenes are painful as she's always so angry and attacks her partners like she's a zombie feeding off of them (and this isn't an exageration, nor is it erotic) and she's obnoxiously loud! Anyone who's seen one of her movies knows she spasms and cries like a cat being skinned alive, and some people do get off on this, but do you need two painful screamers in one threesome? Shay Jordan is just as bad and the two women combined is just nuts (although you gotta love when Jordan proclaims "Ai come!"). I nearly had to turn the sound off during their threesome with St. Croix, but I (and my viewing partner) toughed it out, but this leads me to another major issue with this porn: gagging. If you are gagging while trying to deep throat, you probably shouldn't be doing it. Yes, yes, two girls-one cup proves that people do find vomiting arrousing, but she never actually spews on the penis so do we really need the excessive gagging sounds? I was afraid someone was going to have to perform the heimlich in order to extract St. Croix's penis! Is this just another way DP is trying to diversify their films, by utilizing a variety of fetishes? Personally, I find gagging a sign that you can't deep throat and kind of defeats the purpose and shames the 70s class as Linda showed no signs of a gag reflex.

Overall, I think its a great porn, but the first is far surperior. However, I have extremely high hopes for the next in the series, and there better be one or I'll personally find Joone and slap him upside the head for dangling a sister in distress and an all-female pirate ship in front of me. Oh, but leave out the vagina spankings. It's getting a bit excessive.

Click for review of the first Pirates.

"What do I get out of this?" or "orgy of spending"

I'm watching the debates right now and I have a few things to say...

1) BBC.co.uk shows the debates live but only in the UK, mydebates.org, a branch of myspace is showing all the debates as well.

2) "Orgy of spending" in reference to Bush's economics, which got us into the current cluster fuck, is perhaps my new favorite phrase. It might be up there with "You forgot Poland" and "The only Bush I trust is my own" for amazing political phrases. Though the Polish phrase is amazing because it's hilarious that he even said it, I think "orgy of spending" is a great description of the past 8 years or so and I just like that Obama said orgy in the debates.

3) What do I get out of all this? Honestly, I would love to hear both candidates sit down with a family from the lower/middle class and tell them EXACTLY what they would get out of both of their plans. They speak in ideas and abstracts, but I wonder what would happen if they set down with me and told me what would benefit me, a Grad student with no health care, no job (yay credit crunch), and loans my grandchildren will be paying.

4) McCain says "we're not going back to the cold war." To be honest, I'm not sure we ever really left it. Yeah, we didn't fear the Soviet Union would try to nuke us, but we've replaced that fear with terrorism. We are a nation of fear, it doesn't matter what the 'evil opposition' looks like it's still the same underneath it all.

5) You know, I've been joking about running whorehouses in order to raise money if there was ever another Great Depression... it's a bit disturbing that it might actually be a possibility.

Update

Lately, I've been trying to work on my dissertation and having some major issues with feeling like it'll never get done. But I know it will.

Of course one of the major distractions from this is the biggest and best news I've had in over a year... drum roll please!

no more blood clot!!!!

That's right kids, the CT scan came back and I'm in the clear. Sadly, most celebrating has been put on hold until the 15th.

Olympic Opening Ceremony

The Olympics start today and I've been watching the opening ceremony. Regardless of the human rights and international issues of the Olympics being in China, the opening ceremony is pretty damn cool. They've been doing short sample performances of various parts of Chinese culture. They had some puppets and Chinese opera music and what not. It's quite fascinating, but I have an issue with the "oh the Chinese are so precise... they're all about precision. They're so good at being precise" comments I'm getting from the BBC one commentators. Just comes across as one dimensional, slightly racist, and overall that they don't really much appreciation for Chinese traditional arts. From what I remember nearly every country does some mass precision performance at the opening or closing but whatever, it's apparently more fascinating when it's the Chinese.

On the other hand, the part where they progress through the various dynasties and "32 pillars reach towards the heavens" has hundreds of "serene women" walking along in these gorgeous gowns and I have to say I want one of those gowns. They're seriously amazing and beautiful. Full, floor length ball gowns basically, in pink and red and blue. Just gorgeous.

Some other highlights, 2,008 tai chi performers while children paint and recite poetry about nature (and the commentators point out how polluted China is), space men on wires fly around while a giant globe rises from the ground with people running around and doing acrobatics on wires "seemingly defying gravity," and Sarah Brightman with some guy (who's name I didn't catch) sing.

We've officially gone from being cool to being cheesy with Brightman singing while people hold giant pictures of various childrens' faces. All we need is Josh Groban to duet with Whitney Houston on "I believe the children are the future" and it would be the cheesiest Olympics ever.

Anyway, I think it's now about time for the marching and I'm losing interest. Judith Butler is calling. I'm outie, but everyone should check out the opening ceremony.

A Scottish 4th of July

The 4th of July is one of my favorite holidays. Primarily because it means drinking cocktails by the pool and chillin' with the fam. Well being as I'm spending this summer in Scotland, supposedly writing a dissertation, I had to do my own 4th of July celebration. A few friends came by my place, I had a barbecue, water guns, beer, and a near by park to help make this an awesome day.

Well, while it was fun and entertaining, there was one mishap that nearly ruined it.

In the park, my friends and I were sitting around, shooting pigeons with our water guns and overall just goofing around, when suddenly a few of us noticed a man grabbing his crotch near by. We assumed he was peeing at first, and though a bit odd that he didn't try to fake any modesty, seeing as it was 6 in the afternoon, still very bright, with a couple eating at a picnic table and a family playing ball near by, we didn't think too much of it. That is until he undid his belt, unzipped his pants and had a wank right there in the park! We reported him to a man who works in the park, but the guy had left by then. While quite humorous in some respects, the children near by kind of hindered the full comedic effect.

A bit disturbing but as I said, it would only happen to ME. Only when I try to celebrate an American holiday in Scotland does a man start masturbating in front of us. It truly is only "me" because after that we headed to another 4th of July party and while a cat did jump in through the window and refuse to leave, there were no flashers or perverts. Well unless you count my advertising for the Pirates II dvd release in September, there weren't any perverts.

Movies that fall short of the "expectations" surrounding them

I'm often over critical of films, especially those with a lot of hype around them. I also like to consider myself a feminist. For these reasons, I refuse to see Sex and the City: The Movie.

It's been the long awaited movie of the summer (thought my long awaited movie is Mamma Mia: The Movie Musical) and really, I could care less. I've never gotten into the show. I've tried. I really really have. When friends have wanted to watch it I've joined them. When there was nothing else on in the hotel except for reruns on HBO I watched it, I will admit, I even watched the first season on HBO in demand, so don't say I didn't try to get "into" the show. I put forth a lot of effort through the years.

However, I still don't like the show and I REALLY don't like the characters. From the get go I hated Charlotte. Her focus in life being predominately to get married and have children just made her boring and one dimensional. Supposedly, she's a successful at whatever she does at the art gallery (owns it maybe?), but really, I can't help but think of Mrs. Robinson from The Graduate, and not in the good way I like to think of her. At one point of the film, she's lying in bed talking to Benjamin (Dustin Hoffman) and he asks her what she studied at college. She studied Art History before she got knocked up and had a shot gun marriage. If I recall correctly, the young women in Mona Lisa Smile also study Art History, in their spare time when they are not getting married or waiting for a proposal. I'm sure there are other examples of this in many other films, but what does this equate to? Women who study Art History have few ambitions or alternatives other than the job of housewife and mother. I'm NOT saying this is true of present or past Art History students, but that at least in mainstream media a BA in Art History = BA in Housewifery. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here is that Charlotte, like many of her hollywood fore-mothers, is of course only interested in marriage and babies to the point that it makes her a caricature, boring, and a cliche. Hence, why I never liked her to begin with. I realize she's supposed to be annoying and whiny, but what does it say about society when women go "oh i'm such a charlotte!" Really, is this the equality we've been looking for?

The one I hate only slightly less than Charlotte would be Carrie. I think she is the reason I never got into the show. You really should like the main character. Well, I don't. I find her neurosis annoying as well. I find her to be a more flamboyant package of Ally McBeal. She allows for this man to continuously love her and leave her. Even when he's married he still messes with her head. I realize that partly why so many women love this character is they too have an unattainable guy in their life that they just can't seem to get over. I mean, who hasn't? I know have, but I'm only 22. Most teenagers and women in their 20s do at some point, but I would hope that a woman nearly twice my age would be more sure of herself and have greater self esteem. Apparently not, apparently we never get over that one guy. But the thing is, must like in When Harry Met Sally, this isn't based in reality! You don't end up with your "Big," your "Big" ends up with someone else. Someone who isn't neurotic. Someone who does let me walk all over you emotionally. Sorry girls, but it's true. The real world does not function the same way High School or College romances do. I think this is why I really hate Carrie, perhaps even more than Charlotte who I try to just ignore, is that women can "identify" with her, but what does that say about us? That we are also neurotic women pining over men we can't have, allowing men to treat us like trash, and throwing away the stable, loving ones who just aren't as exciting. Well, that excitement is actually the fear and possibility that he will up and leave you for someone who isn't as neurotic or stupidly obsessed with him.

Moving right along. When I first watched it I enjoyed Samantha a lot. She was probably my favorite, maybe because I'm loud and don't care what people think. I'm definitely the one at the luncheon table who will shout "cock," "pussy," "fuck," et all and wonder why everyone else is blushing. I was always the "Samantha" in the group. But while some people find Samantha to be the "sexually liberated feminist" of the group, she's really not. Her character and story lines, like the other female characters, is based on, and dependent upon, men. She gets the laughs and outrageous moments, but only because of her constant craving for a "phallus" (should I get all freudian on you? I'll pass that for now). You will have to set aside the season where she was in a lesbian relationship, but when you think about it, it really follows a similar pattern as her sexual romps with men. However, the point is she is just as dependent upon men as Charlotte is for meaning, and Carrie is for neurosis.

Looking back on the show, the one character I truly like is Miranda. Perhaps she's the most realistic of them all. Sure she is also looking for love and dating, but she's often forgotten, shoved under the rug, "closested" if you will. The first few seasons, the stylists for the show made Miranda look like the biggest cliche of a lesbian ever. They desexualized her through her hair, make up, and wardrobe. However, while the least glamorous, she's one of the most truthful characters ever featured on the show. She has a love hate relationship with men, she decides she doesn't need a man for her to keep her child (see Knocked Up) and while she does eventually get with Steve, it's not because she feels she HAS to get married or have a man, it's because she wants to and loves him. I might also be biased based on the episode where she gets upset that Steve (i think it was Steve) wants to cuddle and falls asleep on her pillow. Honestly, I can share blankets, I can share bed (I have two younger sisters I had to share hotel beds with on vacations so I'm used to that), but give me my damn pillows or I'll shove you off the bed.

To wrap this up, I refuse to see the movie. I really do. I don't think they needed to make a movie out of it, I think the series was more than enough, and if they make a sequel I may have to kick someone. I'm not saying everyone should avoid this movie (as it's impossible since most my friends already have), but I will not see it in the movie theaters. Perhaps, later, on a plane, or at a friends I could be convinced to see it (see 27 Dresses), but until it's free for me don't even bother. And even then, be prepared for a struggle.

Piece of advcie for high school graduation speakers...

No one will remember anything you say. Honestly. Please don't try to come up with something your peers will remember, because a year later most will hardly remember you were even a speaker.

Don't try to impart wisdom on your fellow students. You're all 17-19 years old. You don't know anything about life at this moment. You've never lived on your own and you know what? You're all reaching that point together, so you can't give any better advice than the next person. So please, do me a favor and don't try to give advice about the future. No one knows anything about the future, we can only relate to the past, so please...

Just talk about your time there, what you did, what your friends did, if it was fun, if it wasn't. Talk about your plans for the fall, tell them that in four years they can check up with you and see what you're really doing. If you're following your dream or plan, or if you've completely changed.

Don't plan your life out either! Don't make your future rigid and set in stone. Enjoy the curve balls life will give. You might not end up with the career you think you want, you might not end up with the major you're interested in.

Just talk about your time there, that you're ready for the next step and you're excited for it.

But honestly, no one will remember your speech.